I’d just written four
decent sized paragraphs here, but then I reread them, highlighted the whole
mess, and hit the Delete key because although they were decent sized, they weren’t
decent all together, and I just wasn’t satisfied with them. Unfortunately, I’ve found that to be the
case frequently since I retired from teaching.
My thoughts aren’t the same as they were when I was still teaching, but
I haven’t yet figured out if that’s a good thing or not.
In the past when I wrote
here it wasn’t difficult to pick a theme and more or less stick with it
throughout a post. Now, though, I’m
finding that after a paragraph or two I’m heading down an entirely different
path of thought from where I’d just been a sentence or two before. To be certain, in “real life” our thoughts
are generally scattered all over the place as a day goes on, but in writing I
was always taught, and taught my own classes, to write thematically within a
given framework of thought that was determined at the beginning.
Retirement changes all kinds
of things and I’m thinking that my wanting to run in all different directions
when I’m writing now is just another manifestation of my change in lifestyle
from working full time to every day being like a Saturday. It used to be the case that when I was out
riding on the scooter I used the opportunities to be alone and focused to do
some introspection – to dig through the mental cobwebs and clutter and just
clear my head. Now I’m more like a
little kid at an amusement park while I’m out riding, looking all around me and
appreciating the sheer thrill of things, the wind in my face, the things I see
and hear and smell. Although I’m still
focused on the road ahead, eyes always scanning for bumps, potholes, gravel,
and jackass drivers, my thoughts aren’t focused on any one thing.
For most of my 34 years
in classrooms I loved the job, the kids, the subjects I taught, the moving
through a typical school year day by day, yet now that I’m away from it I can
look back and see that it was too much how I defined myself. I can’t quite put this into words, but when
you’re in the workforce, no matter how much you might enjoy your actual work,
there’s a seriousness about it all that is always with you even in moments of
seemingly great levity and after you punch out. Even on weekends and during holiday breaks. Even during summer vacation. Retirement changes all of that!
Now that I don’t need to
use my time on the scooter to clear my head, I’m a little lost in figuring out
what to think about when I’m riding. My
thoughts are like the roads I take often unknown in terms of where they’re
going to take me and where I’m going to end up. And while I’m liking that, I’m still a little unsettled by it
because it’s so different than what I’d grown used to.
I suppose that’s a good
part of why I haven’t been writing much here too. I don’t come back from a ride as I used to with a clear thought
of what I might write about and as a result I find myself too often with a
diarrhea of words but a constipation of ideas.
Nothing’s worse than wanting to write, but not having something I want
to write about, and that’s why I sit down here only to find my fingers rather
than my brain moving me in all
different directions and find myself working Backspace and Delete like nobody’s
business.
I rather like that one of
my favorite bloggers now breaks up a single post into different topics with
separate headings and while it would make a lot of sense for me to adopt that
style too I feel like I’d be stealing the concept and that wouldn’t sit right
with me. So I don’t know if I should
write short posts often, or write longer ones less frequently.
Oh, hell! It’s not that it matters terribly. It’s not like I’m getting streams of great
traffic here, but I know there are the few of you who check back from time to
time to see if I’ve cranked out anything worthwhile and I do like to have
something worth reading sitting here when you do. Until I figure out what I’d like to do I’ll scratch out what I can
and post some pretty ride pictures when I can’t.
 |
Now that I don't need to count days till a summer vacation life is decidedly much more free, but awkwardly different. Hopefully I'll grow into this every day's a Saturday thing! |
Who said retirement was
supposed to be easy?
1 comment:
My late wife never stopped being a Teacher. If it was the school year she was planning, in the summer coming meetings were on her mind. It's a hazard of the profession. I haven't had as much chance to ride as I used to and have had ti include home anecdotes in my blog. I check several times a week to see if you have updated your prose.
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